Dealing with conflict appropriately and quickly can prevent roots of bitterness, can prevent situations where anger simmers until it boils over, can prevent gossip from spreading through a church body, can prevent division where people start to take sides, and can prevent future misunderstandings which eventually hurt relationships. So, when it is necessary, we must step into the role of peacemaking by seeking to resolve conflict and to lay the foundation for peaceful relationships and peaceful communication.
It takes maturity to reach out to someone for the purpose of settling a conflict. I am urging you now, BE THE MATURE ONE. Whether it is something you did that you shouldn’t have done or wished you wouldn’t have done or wished you would have done differently or something that someone else did that created hurt feelings, you BE THE MATURE ONE. Don’t try to avoid people. Don’t look for ways to distance yourself from them. Don’t avoid going to a gathering because you think they might be there. Don’t talk about them behind their back. Don’t quit your ministry. Don’t leave the church. Don’t vaguebook on Facebook. You know what that is, right? Vaguebooking? Here is the definition: Vaguebooking is the practice of making a post on social media, primarily Facebook, that is intentionally vague but highly personal and emotional. It is where you say just enough to let people know you are ticked about something or someone that starts drama and causes people to take sides. It’s about someone or something specific, but you try to make it sound general as if you were just having a conversation. That is not mature.
Let me give you some steps you could consider when conflict arises, and action needs to take place. First, ASSESS the situation. Quite frankly, not every comment someone makes needs to create offense. And it takes maturity to overlook an offense. There are times when your spiritual and emotional maturity ought to enable you to move on without getting tangled in the weeds with someone.
Proverbs 19:11 say, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”
So, assess the situation and ask yourself if you can overlook whatever it is that has upset you. If you cannot, ASK for a meeting. Just reach out and say, “I have some things on my heart I want to share with you,” or “Can we meet to talk about how things have been between us?” I would encourage you to find a neutral and friendly spot, even a restaurant, in which to meet. A restaurant setting assures the other person you intend for the meeting to be friendly and to go well.
When the meeting takes place, have prayer together and then ADDRESS THE FACTS of the situation. This is where you explain why you have called the meeting. “I’ve noticed that we seem to have drifted apart.” “Things feel awkward between us.” “I know we had a disagreement awhile back, and I don’t feel we resolved the tension that resulted, so I wanted to get together to clear the air.” Or maybe you would say something like, “There were some things said that felt personal to me.” “I was hurt when someone told me you shared something that I shared with you in confidence” or whatever the facts are from your perception. Starting with the facts will avoid the encounter being dominated by feelings, at least from the start. Feelings are important, and sharing your feelings are important, but I think establishing the facts by discussing what happened is a helpful way to start.
I think from there it is helpful to go into ASK MODE instead of ATTACK MODE. “Is that what you meant to say?” is a good way to get to the bottom of a situation. “Did I mishear you?” “Did I get false information from the person who said you were talking about me?” “Have I done something to hurt or frustrate you?” Too often we assign motives to people’s hearts that aren’t fair. Asking for clarification can help us avoid the assumptions that often lead to misunderstandings. When you ask questions of the other person, you have a better opportunity to hear their side and learn what led to the conflict.
James 1:19-Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. I think James is telling us to be quick to understand, to be quick to seek to understand. Being quick to listen gives us an opportunity to learn and understand.
I think you move from asking questions to ACKNOWLEDGE your part in any conflict. “Now that you say that, I was short-tempered that day.” “You are right, I did say things I shouldn’t have.” “I did repeat something you shared in confidence.” “I was jealous and lashed out.” “I was mad, and I l said things out of anger.” OR whatever it is you need to acknowledge. By this time, you might even be able to say, “I see that I misunderstood everything and allowed my emotions to get the best of me.”
For healing to take place, I think it is important for both parties to APOLOGIZE and ASK for forgiveness.
What does a good apology look like? I think a good apology is specific. Don’t try to minimize what you did or justify what you did. Just acknowledge what you did, and follow it with “Will you forgive me?” Here are some words to avoid in a good apology: If, But, Maybe. “If I hurt you, I’m sorry.” Not a good apology. “I know I talked bad about you to someone, but you talked bad about me first.” Not a good apology. “Maybe I was wrong in my approach. Let’s just agree to forgive and forget.” Not a good apology. State what you did and apologize for what you did that either started the conflict or escalated the conflict. Even if the only thing you have to apologize for is being angry at the person for what they did to you, state it and apologize.
In a good apology you will ACKNOWLEDGE THE HURT you have caused. Maybe you have bent over backwards for someone. Maybe you have poured into their life, but if you also caused hurt or pain, no matter how small you think it was, acknowledge the hurt. “I am sorry that what I said embarrassed you or caused you pain.” “I am sorry I didn’t take time for you when you needed me and that caused you to feel abandoned.” “I am sorry that you have lost sleep over what I did.” “I am sorry that you have been torn up over this rift between us.” Words don’t bring automatic healing to our feelings, but more pain will be caused if we ignore the extent to which our actions have brought pain into someone’s life.
And when someone asks you to forgive them, ACCEPT THEIR APOLOGY. The other person may not have heard this stellar sermon with these steps to peacemaking, and their words may not come out perfect. It’s OK. Accept their apology, and say, “I forgive you.” And when you forgive, don’t dwell on the incident anymore. If you need God’s help to get it out of your mind, ask in prayer for Him to take the sting of the situation from you. Don’t bring it up in the future to use against someone.
Be the generous one. Reassure the person that you two can start over. Reassure the person that you love and care for them like a brother or sister in Christ should. Let the person know you appreciate them taking the time to meet with you and to share their heart with you. Let the person know you aren’t going to hold their actions against them. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. God has dealt compassionately and generously with us. I have said many times that we are never more like Christ than when we are suffering or serving. Today I want to add that we are never more like Christ than when we generously forgive.
With unbelievers, our ultimate goal is to win them over to the Lord. Jesus said we are to bless our enemies and pray for them. Can we bless an unbeliever in the midst of a conflict? Can we ask God to show us how we might be able to do that?
How we handle conflict with an unbeliever should be so drastically different from the world’s way that Jesus is clearly seen in our approach. We never want to intentionally cause hurt or to seek revenge. If pain or revenge is our goal, we have no business confronting anyone. I think appealing to unbelievers on the basis of relationship is helpful. Saying things like, “It’s important to me that we are OK with one another so that we can work well together” or “I value your insight and respect you as a person. I want to be able to work through the differences we have.” Whatever the choice of words, we need to demonstrate respect and show value to anyone with whom we have a conflict. When Jesus came into the world, He came full of grace and truth John 1:14. We ought to be going into the world the same way.
I do know this: Biblical principles work everywhere. If they didn’t, what would be the use of following them? Doing things God’s way isn’t just a preferred or prescribed way of living, but it is the only way to see God’s power move in our relationships. It is the way to see God’s favor poured out on your life. It is the way to open supernatural doors of blessing like the one described in Proverbs 16:7 When the Lord takes pleasure in anyone’s way, he causes their enemies to make peace with them.
This verse tells me that when we do things God’s way, peace will follow. Peacemaking is a process. It’s hard work, but it is possible and worth it and your commitment to doing it will give God extra breathing room and blessing room in your life.
